By Arno Adelaars
Geraldine organised a very special party in the church of Ruigoord, a squatted village 15 kilometers from Amsterdam. Geraldine's birthday party on March 26 1996 was a Santo Daime service. 35 to 40 people were present.
Geraldine told me before we started that I should ask Farissimo for more Daime if I thought I needed more. She had told him that some people needed more than average, so he was prepared for my request. The first glass of ayahuasca had the color of weak coffee and was not very tasty. Although I received a full glass, it was not enough to get off. I had a trance feeling for a short time, and at the same time I was yawning non-stop. The yawning brought tears in my eyes and so it felt as if I was flying through my inner space with tears in my eyes. After ten minutes I stopped flying and despite all my concentration I stayed grounded. I should have taken more. Looking to my left I saw my friend Gerrit looking far away, with tears in his eyes from the yawning.
The singing went on for at least 2 hours before it was time for the second glass. The color of the second Daime was very dark, and it was poured in a small glass. I was the third man to receive a glass, and I asked Farissimo for some more. Since the Daime was five times concentrated, he gave me ten or twenty milliliters extra. The taste was good. After that, the Santa Maria (Cannabis) was served. I took as much as possible. There was a lot of coughing in the church, and I was joining in. The intense effects of the combination of concentrated Daime and Santa Maria started quite fast. The singing commenced and I went inside. This time I did not want to search for a central point where I could dive in, as I was used to doing. This time I was not looking for flying, this time I tried to stay still in my concentration. It worked, and I went deeper, or, more precisely, higher.
I tried to maintain a state of 'double consciousness', a form of conscious dreaming. I was in my normal day-to-day consciousness, I realised I was sitting on a chair in the Ruigoord church taking part in a ritual. At the same time I was experiencing all the insights of the ayahuasca state, being in contact with a higher level of consciousness. It is not easy to explain: Let's say Level 1 of the Inner World is normal consciousness and normal thinking patterns with closed eyes. Level 2 is daydreaming, and Level 3 is deep dreams. With Level 2, changes in the conception of the ego occur. I am not always Arno anymore, but I am not very different, and often I just am Arno. The ego changes totally at Level 3, the deep dreams state. I am completely myself, but my Self is not called Arno, it is just Me, and it does not necessarily have this physical form. Call it my mythical Self, the Me of my dreams. The only difference is that this is not a dream, this is another level of consciousness created by the combination of Ayahuasca, Cannabis and the Santo Daime ritual.
Pure Cannabis has more often than not a profound effect on me. Physical effects like trembling, constantly moving a leg, or moving my head often occur. Cannabis creates a certain restlessness in the initial phase. This is something I have to go through. It is part of my relationship with Cannabis. Some of these physical discomforts can feel rather extreme and this time I experienced some extraordinary things that shed light on a subject in which Ayahuasca is a very valuable tool: a heightened sense of perception.
You can see a lot of things with closed eyes under the influence of Ayahuasca. You can also feel a lot. I was feeling quite inebriated under the influence of the strong Cannabis. I was feeling as if I was choking. I told myself it was only a temporary feeling, but it became more and more intense and I started to think about lying down. Before I could do that a man sitting next to my neighbour on my righthand side started making loud and disturbing noises. He was feeling very bad and could not hide it anymore. I heard all the sighs and moans that I was wanting to make myself. I was amazed: it was not me feeling bad, instead I had sensed his bad feeling and projected it on myself. I experienced this as a lesson on the level of heightened perception. I was opening myself completely to everything, I was as open as I could be and this was the result: I sensed a lot about my surroundings and since I was not used to this I interpreted it as coming from myself.
In the meantime I was going higher and higher, reaching finally Level 4, a complete Inner Landscape with forms and bodies that are not from this world. That is, they don't have anything to do with daily reality. On this level it became really hard to maintain my 'double consciousness'. There were moments I could combine the two worlds, but more often I was in one or the other. For example, I was completely involved in my Level 4 Inner Landscape and sometime later I was just sitting on my chair in the church. It was not as easy as it reads. In the strange Level 4 landscape I tried to realise where I was, and I thought: I am at home, in Amsterdam, at the Keizersgracht. And that was where I was standing - I saw the streetlights reflect in the water of the canal, I saw wet cobblestones on the road. No mistake about it, this was the Keizersgracht by night in March. But then I thought: 'no, I am not on the Keizersgracht, I am in this city', and 'this city' was a mythical city, a city of my dreams, a city only existing in my Inner Landscape, with forms and colors and entities and spirits that are not from this world. And I thought: 'no, it's not true. My physical body is not standing on this almost real Keizersgracht, nor is it roaming in my Inner Landscape city. No, I am in Ruigoord's Church'. And all of a sudden my body moved several kilometers, from the Keizersgracht to Ruigoord's church, and the next moment I was sat in my chair in the church.
Travelling between Level 4 and the normal closed eyes reality of Level 1, I sensed the accumulating energy of all the participants. We were not only sitting together in the church, we were also sitting together in the Inner Landscape. And there the participants were no longer normal people consisting of flesh and blood, they were beings dressed in strange clothes. I remember white dresses and red capes and non-human forms. They were mainly existing in a transcendental form, not in a physical form. I was deeply impressed, because this was a 'double conscious' Level 4 experience. But it was not the limit. I was approaching Level 5, leaving my body and leaving my consciousness. The space around me was transforming into transparent colors and a lot of light, it reminded me somewhat of Steven Spielberg. Lots of light, perceptual morphing, the three dimensional reality became denser as if it was pushed from two sides and so become more two dimensional (to make space for the extra reality). I saw a transparent irradiant form, a baby, a Light-being, held by two hands like a lotus flower ascending from my skull. Rising and not falling. That's why it is not going deeper, but going higher, a heightening of consciousness, the movement is going up, not down.
I realised I could fall off my chair, I was heading for unconsciousness. I had a sensation I knew from my Ayahuasca flights: my personality was glued or pressed on a mythical being. Only this time I was not glued on a bird, which was the case with flying, this time I was glued on an irradiant body in this dense two dimensional world that was ahead of me. I felt myself disappearing and I thought 'I have to lie down.' I stood up in a controlled movement after a song (hinario) was finished and walked to one of the mattresses. The Fiscal (helper) was a friendly man with a greyish beard and with very friendly eyes. He was perfect. I was feeling splendid anyway. I could not stop smiling even though I was leaving consciousness. This was pure bliss. The beauty surrounding me made me laugh. Sometimes I opened my eyes and I was feeling as carefree and innocent and spontaneous as 35 years ago. And when I looked into the eyes of the Fiscal I saw the same: a sweet child, in his eyes I saw pure goodness and pure love. It was beautiful to see.
For the first time in my life I experienced auditory hallucinations. I could hear voices, I could hear spirits talking. I heard movements, I could feel the vent-holes in my normal three dimensional reality. It is very strange to hear someone talk behind your back who is not there.
I was lying on the mattress and for a few moments I came back into the normal reality. These were short instances, I left rather fast, I had a preference for the Other, I did not want to came back. I could hear and feel people passing by. The mattress I was lying on was close to the path to the toilet. At a certain point there was a break for more smoking. Santa Maria was going round , and I thought that was just what I needed. It would keep me longer in this blissful state. It took me sometime before I was back at Level 1. Before I could ask the Fiscal for some Santa Maria, he offered me some. He knew what I wanted, and I appreciated that very much. I took long and deep tokes from the reefer, and entered Level 4 almost immediately.
Sometime later there was another break. The Fiscal touched me and said this was a good moment to wake up and join in with the dancing at the end of the ritual. I said it was not a good idea because I was not sure whether I could stand on my feet., and I closed my eyes again. Gerrit, who was lying next to me, stood up.
After a while I had the feeling everybody was looking at me, I could feel all the energy that surrounded me was aimed at me. I opened my eyes and looked straight into Farissimo's eyes. He was playing an accordion and was singing a song to wake me up. I turned my head and saw many people looking and laughing at me. The dance was starting soon Farissimo said in Portuguese and he said I had to get up. That's what I did. I stood up and said 'Good morning' to Farissimo. I could keep my eyes open when I walked to the line of dancers. I stood next to Gerrit, he looked funny, not completely in this world. So now and then he looked clear but most of the time I observed him he didn't. The same could be said about me. I could not follow the rhythm in the music, I was not dancing in the church of Ruigoord because I was not there. I was somewhere else. After a while I stepped aside and sat on a bench with my head in my hands. I went back to Level 4, although I came back so now and then. I saw in my clear moments that I was not the only one who was not dancing. I tried to dance one more time but I had to stop. Finally the last dance came, and Farissimo woke all the sleepers with the music of his accordion. He woke me up, and when I opened my eyes I saw his eyes blinking with joy because he had managed to wake me up. A beautiful moment.
A Concentration Ritual
A Concentration ritual of the Santo Daime church of Amsterdam was held on March 31 1996, this time situated in an Osho building. Like last time about 35 people were taking part in the ritual.
The first glass was strong enough to give interesting hallucinations, the second glass, as always accompanied by Santa Maria (pure Cannabis), was quite strong. I could not stop yawning. At the same time I had feelings of complete unity. I was experiencing an all-embracing feeling of unity, of love and of wisdom. I catched out my own petty-mindedness. Why did I have all these prejudices against Christianity, prejudices I don't have against other religions? Under the influence of Santo Daime and Santa Maria I could get rid of any prejudice, in fact I got rid of any judgement. I saw the ritual as something that passes by, as something not so important in comparison with what I was experiencing. I was communicating with an all-enfolding unity, a very great and high female spirit. I was weeping for a long time during the ritual, weeping from happiness, weeping for the love, wisdom and unity I was experiencing. The feeling is not easy to describe, but I will try: the relationship between the emptiness surrounding me (an apparent emptiness) and the fullness of my body (an apparent fullness).
A third glass was served, and another Santa Maria was smoked. While queuing for my third glass I kept my eyes closed. The visions did not stop for one moment.
One of the spiritual leaders of the Santo Daime church, Padrinho Ireneu, had died one week before. To commemorate him a rosary was prayed. I did not take part in the praying. I was somewhere else, far far away. I was not in this life anymore. I was playing a game, I was in different lives, and every life was a game. I saw an opportunity in the game, and took my chances. I was horrified to discover where I ended: in this body in a Santo Daime ritual in March 1996. I could not have been more shocked if I would have ended up as a purple worm on the planet Mars, 8000 years ago. Did I really have to live this life? In this body? What a disappointment! I completely understood the illusionary nature of daily reality. Why did I have to go through this again? I did not want to go back to earth. I did not want to go back to this life.
Last week I had the choice of a 'double consciousness': I could experience my visionary state and at the same time realise my existence in daily reality. Now something compeletely different was going on: It was impossible to experience daily reality, the only option I had was the visionary state, and that state was right now frightening me.
It had all changed 180 degrees: I wanted to be back on earth, but I could not get there. Every time I closed my eyes I left earth behind me, and I could not keep my eyes open and stay in the normal world. I looked at my watch. It was midnight. I felt extremely uncomfortable. I wanted to take part in the ritual. I told myself to be relaxed. It was just half an hour after I took the third glass and I knew the effects would last for some time to come. I tried to calm down. 'Don't worry, life goes on' I said to myself. It didn't work. I was convinced it all would end in a miserable way, I would never return to earth. I had the opportunity to stop living instantaneously, I could stop just like that. I HAD to stop, it seemed. In the meantime the visions and hallucinations became stronger and stronger. Entities were walking around, I saw them with open eyes. Many spirits were behind my back. I could feel a huge force coming from the right. I turned my eyes in that direction and saw a big portrait of Osho (formerly known as Bhagwan).
I could not stay in the ritual anymore. I could not stand on my legs, I could not sit on my chair. I was afraid of falling. I walked to the side, where a Fiscal was taking care of the sick, and lay down next to my friend Gerrit. Quite a few other men were lying there, and many of them were weeping, or throwing up. I could hear a lot of moans and sighs. It was a tough night. Halfway through the ritual Geraldine told everybody to stay with themselves, there were powers that should not be there. Her foresights seem to come through.
I was feeling very bad. It reminded me of that terrible first lsd-trip and its aftermath back in 1976. I remembered that night in Saint Tropez, when I was convinced I would die, several weeks after that involuntarily lsd-trip. I was feeling very uncomfortable. I could not lie down, I could not stand. I was waiting to die. Behind me a man was wriggling on a bench, making terrible sounds. I went to the toilet, but nothing happened. I tried to throw up, but again, nothing happened. Gerrit was holding me, that was very important for me. I did not dare to be alone. After some time I slowly came back to myself, and I started to feel a bit embarrassed. I was feeling petty-minded: I knew the insights and still had to make a fuss about it. Although I had landed on the earth again, my disorientation continued. I could not drink a glass of orange juice without spilling it on my white trousers. Even sitting at the bar I almost lost consciousness. Still, it had an happy end. I learned a lot and after meeting that female spirit I knew my life would never be the same again.
© Arno Adelaars, 1997
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