I have finally succeeded in acheiving the true, undeniable DMT space. It was easily the most bizarre and frightening experience I've ever had. I now understand the true meaning of shamanism - what is meant by walking the line between worlds, tapping into a completely alien source of knowledge. It isn't something that I think I care to repeat. It was simply too awesome.
Several things converged to finally make the experience possible. I had processed 20g of M. hostilis rootbark this time, having had only very limited effects from past attempts using 8, 10 and 12 grams. I figured I was a DMT `hardhead' and needed that much. (Ha!) Also, this time the first phase of the extraction sat soaking in the methanol for a good 2 weeks instead of 4 or 5 days as before. This may have helped. Finally, for this experiment I used a 150mg tab of Moclobemide as the MAO inhibitor. I was very curious to see if it made a difference as opposed to using harmala extract, and I definitely think it did.
When the effects commenced some 2 hours after I drank the bitter sludge, they did not really creep in gradually as before. They hit fast in an accelerated rush, not unlike my first MDMA experience. I was standing up at the time, and had to go lay down as I thought I might faint on the spot.
For a minute it seemed pleasant enough, but then something happened that I am still attempting to sort out for myself. I have read with some degree of scepticism the many reports on DMT trips which talk about alien intelligence, alien presence, etc. and always thought that this was other peoples' interpretation of what was going on in their minds during their trip, and that my mind would not go there. I was wrong. To my utter disbelief, and even though I was fighting it at the time (and losing), I experienced what I can only call an alien presence. It felt like an invasive mental probing by an alien force. I did not want to believe in it, I was fighting it, but it was undeniable. As preposterous as the concept was, there it was, posing as truth, running my mind. At the peak of this section of the experience, I was having "revelations" that were so outlandish that I realized I probably could not express them to my friends or anyone later on, because they just sounded too insane. They still do to me as well.
Principally, I had a sudden vision, or I should say a concept or a "truth", that was so out there that it terrified me that I had gone so far as to think it, no matter what I was high on. I was "told" that all human life on earth was merely a long-term genetic experiment by extraplanetary life-forms alien to us. Our very existence was owed to them although it was in their program not to have us realize this. I had been chosen to be allowed to know the incredible secret to human existence: that these aliens had taken their own genetic material and hybridized it with primates found on the planet at the time of their arrival millions of years ago (only a short time in their scale), resulting in we "humans." All human ideology about religion, God, self-determination, and most of all, our perception that 'we' are the only ones in control of what happens on this planet, were shown to me to be a total joke, a delusion that we create ourselves. The tendency to see "Gods" as essentially human models (Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, etc.) was shown to me to be all part of their plan. The catch-22 was seamless and perfect - I had been shown the awesome truth, but of course I can never reveal it to the world because I will only sound insane to everyone. For a moment the Heaven's Gate people seemed to be more sane than anyone. That's when I knew I was really out of it. It was scary that I would even think such a thing.
The experience I had was completely different than the one I have been chasing. I wanted the trip that DeKorne describes in his book, where incredible open-eye visuals dominate, taking the imagination for a ride, one that wrapped unreal visuals together in balance with awesome realizations. But there were really no visuals to speak of in this experience. There was some distortion but that was all. It was all an incredibly powerful mindfuck. I was having crying jags that were not connected to any thought or cause that I could see, they were just releases of raw emotion, as if I was a puppet being manipulated. I was alternately fighting it and trying to roll with it. I experienced time distortion on a scale that I hadn't thought possible. I was caught in a hellish loop that was timeless. I thought the effects would never end. I was listening to as album that I knew was only about 45 minutes long, but each time I would feel as if an eternity - hours, days, a lifetime - had passed, and surely the album had ended, I would open my eyes and focus on the music and realize that it had only been a minute or two! This was discomfiting because it made me feel that I had gone insane - permanently. I began to believe that I had ruined my life, finally toyed with entheogens enough to lose my mind. I began to have insidious suicidal thoughts. I had to say "No, no, no!" out loud to push away the thoughts of getting up, getting a gun and shooting myself.
The news isn't all bad. I did have flashes of positive messages telling me that my own potential was limitless and that all the limitations that exist in my life are self-created, that my genetic material is far superior to the vast majority of human beings and has been chosen for the kind of knowledge that we appear to have been given. But in the end, even these good thoughts seemed delusional. In fact delusional doesn't even begin to describe the state I was in, despite the fact that at the very same time my rational mind was present and trying to process all of it.
Finally I threw up the purple muck and the ride was over. It had lasted from about 9:30 p.m. to about 12:30 a.m. Quite long enough for me, thanks. What has been referred to as "the Holy Grail" I now see as something more like "the Evil Confuser." It's going to take a while to integrate and understand what happened.
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