I had six grams of Liberty Cap and went into my bedroom in the silent darkness and lay there for a while. It's hard to say how long it was, but for about the first hour or so I was sorting through what was in my own head and I felt that my mind was being projected into different scenarios to see how I reacted. For instance, I would be put into a scenario where somebody needed help. It felt like I was being tested - did I go and help or did I not. I was experiencing very unpleasant visuals and experiences that seemed very twisted and dark and perverted in the sense of what they looked like and felt like. I had to go through them and not react to them, just look. I feel that through mushrooms I've had to see both sides of life - pain and pleasure, suffering and happiness, life and death, to understand the whole concept of it. You can't just go in and have a good time on mushrooms like you can on an e. To understand it you have to see both aspects, see difficult things and hard things in order to understand what the world's about. The effort people are putting in just to live. When you have visuals that are quite dark or frightening the thing to do is not to think that they are coming from you, that they are a representation of what you're really like. People think that if they see something bad then "it's me, I must be bad" but it's just part of the experience. I think it's like if you get on a train and you go from here to there, you might go through really horrible industrial areas and really beautiful countryside areas but that's just the journey, it's not where you're going and it's not you, it's just what you have to pass through to get there. So, these visuals passed and then I felt as if I'd sorted through all these things in my mind and walked through into another space, another part of the trip...
During the different scenarios I hadn't been aware of where I was at all - I lost all concept of the outside world. As I came round I lay on the bed for a while, calming my breathing, and my mind seemed to be coming into focus again. Then I saw really beautiful visuals - I was flying above strange landscapes. Landscapes that weren't quite normal, there was something about them... you couldn't describe what it was that was different. Morphing, geometrical shapes, spinning and changing. What looked like molecular structures, changing and moving and altering and spinning and then I saw loads of clouds in front of me and I remember flying through the clouds and right at the end was sat a really old, old man and he had a wise kind of feel to him. I sat in front of him and he was talking to me there for ages, explaining stuff. Afterwards I couldn't remember what it was he'd said or anything like that but I remember sitting there and this guy talking to me and me talking back saying "yes, yes, I understand that" and it seemed to go on for ages. Then a big white horse came in, really wild. It was the most beautiful thing I'd seen, this wild spirit. I then saw an eagle and suddenly it was as if I had gone into the eagle's perception and I was seeing through the eagle's eyes. I stood up in the dark, I had my arms out, and I could feel the wind going across me and I felt the strength of it inside me. It made me think of what it meant for me to see myself as an eagle. I had a sense of being protective, watching things, being the eyes and ears, having to live a certain way. I tried to understand the similarities between the eagle and the way I live. Just to breathe and sense and feel the energy. I remember coasting towards the sun, soaring, and my heart and my mind were soaring to heights I'd never reached before and this experience was shattered into me. After that I just put my head down and lifted my hands up and I was blown away, absolutely blown away. I sat on the edge of the bed and I was crying with happiness, as if a release of something had come through.
As I lay on the bed I went into a certain position and the whole feeling in my body was 'stay like this, you are not allowed to move'. I never felt that I physically couldn't move but I felt that I wasn't meant to. So I stayed there and I was quite scared because it felt as if something else was saying "you can't". Whereas before it had felt like my own head, this felt like something else. I felt that I could lift up my skin and put my hand inside and move my fingers. I felt as if I was being cut open and hands were in me moving things around. It was really frightening and at the same time I was going "you can't move, you can't move". I found it really hard to let it happen and not just jump up and go "fucking hell, something's gone wrong". I had to stay there while this happened and it was as if my mind had left my body where it was.
After that had finished I felt...well, on e, mdma, I've had intense rushes, bodily rushes, but they were nothing compared to this at all. It was the most mind-blowing physical feeling I've ever had. It was like the raw nature energy of a tornado or lightning, it was like I'd slipped into some stream of this incredible ecstatic energy, but not ecstatic in an 'everything's great' way, but ecstatic in a really powerful, strong, scary way, coursing through me. And as that became stronger my body became limper until it reached a crescendo.
I came to and for about five minutes I wasn't sure what had happened at all. I was lying on the bed, all this was going on and I sat up, trying to not let it freak me out. I put the light on and looked over to the mirror at the other side of the bed. It was a big, full-length mirror which I felt drawn to. I looked at my eyes in the mirror and they seemed to lock onto the reflection. Then my face was changing into other peoples faces and it was happening constantly: one face, another face, another face. They were male, female, black, white, Asian, aboriginal. But the thing that amazed me was that although each face only lasted for a second, it was as if in that one second I totally felt what that person felt, wherever they were. I remember being a woman giving birth, a bloke fighting, someone old and dying, someone in prison, someone young running round, a woman from years ago weeping and waving to her husband who had gone away sailing... All this was in each split second. As this happened it was increasing in pace and I couldn't keep up with it and just fell back onto the bed again.
Slowly my mind started drifting and I went to a place where creatures, which seemed to be a cross between the Blue Meanies in the Beatles Yellow Submarine film and animation from Monty Python, were flying around. I was on clouds and these things were flying about and there was an incredible feeling around me of 'welcome, you're welcome, come in and everything's fine here'. I remember I stayed in this place, just floating around and the whole feeling I had was very nurturing, protective, warm, calm. It was a feeling of 'you can come here whenever you need to' and then I slowly came out of this phase quite happily.
After that it was as if something had been unleashed in me and I felt absolutely brilliant with boundless energy. My mind seemed to be thinking much more clearly and much more quickly and I could think of things from different angles. I walked out of the room. We have an agreement that if one of us is tripping then there has to be somebody with them in the house. There were quite a few people as we were all living together at the time. I came through and they asked if I was alright and I told them that I felt amazing, it was as if life made sense, at last there was a purpose. I'd always felt that there had to be more, but through this it was as if something was going on, something good, something positive, something that has a very strong link with nature and something that I cannot explain. I tried to explain the experiences I had had and the others were just going "oh" but I put a record on and was dancing and seemed to have this incredible energy. The feeling didn't go away when I came down the next day. I was just happy, I felt clean, my body felt responsive and I felt inspired which I never had before. That's really when it all started clicking and I started going deeper into these things. It really did affect me more deeply and more strongly than any experience I've ever had on any other substance at all. Even the mdma now seems, I don't know, artificial.
I really feel that I've learnt from this experience. I feel now that there are things that people do not understand. There are mysteries left in the world. There are magical things that do exist. I find that quite satisfying, quite comforting and I find that I feel that I've connected with something very old, very wise, very caring. I feel that it wants me and I want to develop. Before, I didn't care about doing things for other people but now I do, I really want to. If people are sad I want to try to help them get happy in their own way. I'd like to try to give a break to someone who's trying to get somewhere. I feel much more inspired to try and do stuff to try to help people and I suppose it's the same as anyone who's had a deep spiritual experience, you feel a relief that there is something else and there is a chance for things to get better. I want to go into it further to try to make more sense of it. I've been given this great mystery which totally intrigues me and I enjoy the process of trying to find connections, trying to understand what's going on and finding out if other people are having similar experiences. You take the plant and all the knowledge is within that. It's a one to one experience, it's not translated down through someone else. But to make sense of it you do have to discuss it with like minded people which I think people can't at the moment and it feels isolated.
By Sid_b
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